everything is falling apart.....

i  knew it was too good to be true.

i did not go with kayce

i ended up going to crystal with shawn.
i drank way too much.

i ended up in my bathtub
puke everywhere

its a long story
i had an epiphany last night

i will update when i am not so hung over.

Current Mood: sick

I am so incredibly lonely.
And alone.

Dont get me wrong, I spend time with my friends every now and then when I go to the club. But the only people I hang out with are Shawn and Darren.

I cant go out much anymore.
My father gets all paranoid and he's sick and I feel guilty.
So I go out maybe once a week.

And other than leaving the house for about 23 hours a week to work.
I spend the entire day here.
Alone. I watch tv.  I go online. I read.
And the only human being I talk to is Nancy every now and then.. and once in a blue moon when Kayce decides to call and talk to me for a minute.

And lately I just sleep. Till 2 or 3 in the afternoon. And lately I cry as well.
I'm only 18 years old. I can only imagine how its gonna be when I'm like.. 30. If I live that long.
And if this is how lonely and painful its gonna be, than no thanks. Thats way too long to live.

And I txted kc last night- or well- early morning at 3 am.
And no reply. So thats it. I suppose all I can do from now is wait until he decides to reply or contact me. Theres nothing left for me to do. I have already done so much. And said everything that needed to be said. And put my heart on the line.. And gotten fucked over yet again.

I have been thinking alot lately. Just packing everything and leaving to Atlanta. To live with my mom.
And my little brother. And my aunts and uncles.
Even though I wouldnt have any friends over there. And I would be leaving college. And I would also be living in the same house as the person who tried to rape me for over a year..
Atleast I would feel a little less lonely. And atleast I could get away from Kc. And atleast I could get a full time job and earn more money.

I've been eating next to nothing. again. And I've lost another 5 pounds. And everyone at work thinks I'm doing coke and thats why I'm losing weight.

Ha.
This is me. trying. and holding on to the last bit of faith i have left.

"You are exactly my brand of heroin".

Its true. I am addicted. I'm hooked.
You hurt me so much. And at the same time you are the only thing that can ever make me happy anymore.

Its this love hate thing.
Its this.. what nourishes me destroys me thing.

Its this thing that I love you so much. Yet I hate everything you do and everything you are.

im hanging by the thinnest fuckin thread.
the littlest.. smallest fuckin thing will send me falling.
i dont want to snap.
i am so close.

its gonna happen soon.
i can feel it.

it all depends on him.

i am so sick and tired of this.
everyone i love everyone i trust..
leaves me, they dispose of me so fucking easily.
i mean nothing. i never do. i never will.

i have no more purpose on this fucking earth.
i have no reason.
this is the last time.
i swear it is the last time i will let anyone hurt me.
the only person who is gonna hurt me, is me.

no more. of anything.

Current Mood: depressed

I've always been a bitch.
but this time, i actually feel guilty about what i did.

my conscious needs to shut the fuck up.

List five songs that you currently love. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other Livejournal friends to see what they're listening to."
1. chinese burn- curve
2. Pretty when you cry- VAST
3. Touched- VAST
4. Inmates- The Good Life
5. Manic Street Preachers- 4st 7lbs

yeah i know, weird list.
other songs I really love at the moment:
majour- glassjaw
fixing her hair- ani difranco
letter to a john- ani difranco
the mixtape- jacks mannequin
strange and beautiful- aqualung
a song for the broken hearted- a static lullaby
lipgloss and letdown- a static lullaby
breathe me- sia
gone gone gone- john ralston
haligh haligh a lie haligh- bright eyes
a better son/daughter- rilo kiley

i dont want to wake up anymore.